GeekRant Issue #3

Aight so today I'm going to rant about the ever so serious issue of abortion. It is a serious issue which.....Psyche!!! Its April fool's day, I'm not ranting about anything. I'd rather whet ur intellectual appetites with 20 quotes from the prince himself, Macchiavelli.

1. A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise. 

2. A return to first principles in a republic is sometimes caused by the simple virtues of one man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. 

3. A son can bear with equanimity the loss of his father, but the loss of his inheritance may drive him to despair.
4. A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests. 
5. Before all else, be armed. 

6. Benefits should be conferred gradually; and in that way they will taste better. 
7. Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage. 
8. For among other evils caused by being disarmed, it renders you contemptible; which is one of those disgraceful things which a prince must guard against. 
9. God is not willing to do everything, and thus take away our free will and that share of glory which belongs to us.  
10. Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil. 
11. He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command. 

12. Hence it comes about that all armed Prophets have been victorious, and all unarmed Prophets have been destroyed. 

13. I'm not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it. 
14. If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. 

15. It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. 

16. It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver. 

17. It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved. 

18. It is necessary for him who lays out a state and arranges laws for it to presuppose that all men are evil and that they are always going to act according to the wickedness of their spirits whenever they have free scope.  
19. It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. 

20. Men are so simple and so much inclined to obey immediate needs that a deceiver will never lack victims for his deceptions.  www.brainyquote.com

Agony Uncle #1: L.W is going to solve your problems

Saw this on Platform and decided to do the same here.

Some of you have problems you’d rather not discuss with friends, family or anyone you know for that matter and that’s why you send in those problems to the Dear Sarah or Dear Betty columns in newspapers. These columns are known as Agony Aunt or Agony Uncle Columns.

On WierdScript, when these problems arise, we turn to the controversial, edgy, uniquely dressed, attention seeking, paper rockstar L.W to answer our questions. His advice is so good, blunt and 100% guaranteed to lift your spirits…or Not but anyways, it is SOoo good that it would be unfair not to share his knowledge and experience with you, the lucky readers.

Here’s how it works:

Questions are asked anonymously with an emotional signature left behind e.g My roommate never likes to share but always loves to get stuff – Angry Johnny or My BF stares at other babes too much – Jealous Jennifer.

Shoutout from L.W himself:

" Be yourself cuz life is too short to be anyone else”

Please mail all your problems, nude pics and emotional turmoil “anonymously” to this mail!  tremojika@gmail.com.

P.S. It is said that dolphins cry blood at the sound of L.W’s voice. :)

In search of H

Twas the fifth of the seven moons again and they began the search for H, the unholy grail, they started off in Indomie Village just north of the Main land characterized by the alphabet hills and Volpee mountains. The night was still a child and they began making preparations to ensure that they found H. Sir Lancelot, Sir Rocketboots and Esquire Froggy, all Knights and esquire of the High Table respectively, were up to the task.
They get on their giant white horse Dibus, which they had won after defeating the legendary dragon named Skoolfis, and set off towards the mainland so that Rocketboots could pick up his lady. Swords sheathed and armor shining in the moonlight; they disembark and make their way to the CC hill where Sir Rocket boots fair lady was to be found. He goes into the castle and emerges later with his lady, clad wonderfully in scarlet robes and shoes. He then looks at his map and suggests that they tread towards the EE hills to meet a certain Sage by the name of Nadroj, as he was considered wise in the ways of getting to the unholy grail.
Rocketboots emerges from castle EE with the news that the unholy grail was currently being guarded by a Mysterious beast names Beegee and that its new lair was somewhere between the Indomie village and the mainland. And so the knights alongside the lady and the esquire move to mount Dibus back to towards the Indomie Village.
On the return journey, they encounter the mysterious dancer D and her friend the fierce, warrior princess T who also happened to be on the same mission. As they traverse the land, they find no lair in sight but what they do find assures them that the sage knew what he was talking about. It was a piece of the unholy grail, white and cuboid in shape, glistening in the sand. However there were no signs of human or beastly activity in the area. The group then proceeded towards Indomie village. Rocketboots was busy getting enchanted by his scarlet princess so Lancelot and the rest of the group moved somewhere else to further explore the fascinating properties of this legendary item.
A few incantations with fire showed them where the rest of the grail was to be found but unfortunately their journey to the place where H was, would take more than a day and more people. So they waited a day.

The truth about girls and assholes

The age-old myth that girls like assholes is bogus. Girls don't "like" assholes. Girls love assholes, in the same way that guys love guns and fast cars. It's a power/control thing. Girls use assholes as target practice for their skills of manipulation and seduction. Defeating assholes is a hobby for girls. It's a game to them. They find an asshole and do whatever slutty behavior is necessary to break down his defenses and cause him to surrender to her bidding in the name of lust.

Sometimes you hear about a girl falling for an asshole. That's because the girl fails to tear down his asshole shield. So, like the stubborn person she is, she refuses to surrender in a fleeting attempt to change him. Eventually she gets bored of his prick facade and falls in love with him because she has nothing better to do. Around that time, he loses the mystery, she no longer gets turned on by him, he's no longer attracted to her because she keeps trying to fucking change him, and her little game ends in a stale mate. As in, the mating gets stale. Then hopefully they both die in a car wreck.
Culled from Ninjapirate....

Paraphernalia....seriously? Lol

I entered into a spelling bee contest yesterday and I lost. I lost because apparently the word "paraphernalia" has two "r"'s instead of one. Haunted by the word since my eviction, I decided to check out the varying descriptions and definitions of the word. According to the world's best student handbook Wikipedia, "In modern usage, the word paraphernalia most commonly refers to equipment, apparatus, or furnishing used in or necessary for a particular activity as in, "Beth is such an avid sports fan that her walls are covered with baseball paraphernalia". I have thus interpreted paraphernalia to mean an equipment of any kind for any purpose. I'm over the word now and seeing as I've got hunger packs or six packs dat result from morning hunger, I'm off to get me some feeding paraphernalia :)
Cheers

On Friday Night

Its Friday night and we’re off to fire service to celebrate K’s 18th, we BB the girls who are making their hair when its night, fifteen minutes after eight to be exact, something we could really not give a shit about since it was already dark.
Say something timbo ft drake blasts on the car stereo.
8: 25 We purchase a few drinks, Carlo Rossi and Don Simon for the ladies, Red label for the boys with a roll of plastic cups to go. A Man in an Avensis car spots us with the liquor and asks where the party was at, probly one of those game less bachelors that had money but still needed us to act as pimps for him regardless. We would have readily obliged his offer because these men are always ready to drop cash but the problem was the girls. There were doubts in our mind that they would able to shake some money off him and get away with their dignity intact but Anyways………….
We move on in search of the perfect suya and find alongside it, a variation of it named Kilo. However, we had to wait a bit for it to be prepared. The wait for the suya was agonizing, truncated only by d convo I was having with this chick I just added on my BB msgr. Naija chick based in Kumasi, Ghana. Suya finally arrives and we head to Fire service.
Arriving at fire service a few minutes later, we hastily search for a cool spot, seeing as it was operating at full capacity and there were hardly any chairs or good spaces left. The tree next to the wall provides good ambiance as we set up a table for ourselves and the girls who were yet to come.
Fast forward>>>>>>> 6 calls, 2 BB messages, 2 bottles of beer and four plates of isi ewu (antelope head) later, and the girls are nowhere to be found. It starts feeling like being stood up by the pretty girl for being a geeky kid. Tempers flare and we regret not coming an hour late as I suggested earlier (It’s the manly thing to do). Rambo equates this situation to when his family is getting prepared to go to church on Sunday. His sister and mother always have to have their bath after everyone is dressed, sitting in the car and set to go. This of course throws the dad in to a fit of anger and their only defense is that they were in the kitchen all morning.
9:45 we’re pissed and we’re off to silver motel where we bring out the drinks to allay our anger. Rambo suggests we leave before they get there cuz all they’ll do is give him a hug and a peck and cry in their whiny voice and everything will be alright. But no, he wishes to place them on a guilt trip all week. A Drifter soon arrives asking us for someone we know doesn’t exist so he could join our table and share drinks. He is politely shooed away like a fly.
The girls finally arrive all dolled up and shit, ordering Indomie and chicken. There’s a fresher among them willing to get knocked out. I see my chance as does 3 other guys but I take it because I’m faster. *Long Details omitted*We end up in a touch feely session on the gravel behind the club. Her female friends who were obviously brought along for support, arrange a search party and we r eventually foundL. We head back to school, drop the girls at their dorms before I crash down loudly on my bed to sleep.

Bachelor dreams

I see strippers, I see cars, I see a box of Cuban cigars. I see affluence, I see stars, I see a life far away from behind bars. She’s from Venus and I’m from Mars, so there’s no need for flowers or chocolate bars.

On a constant cereal diet, coming and going as I please, to each and everyone around me I know I owe no fucking fees. Call me a player, call me a pimp or call me a plain old tease; I’d much rather have no commitments whatsoever if you please.

Beer in hand, soccer on the screen, clothes on the floor, nothing’s kept clean. A life of sin, of rum and gin, the life on this side is much much green.

No burdensome husband and wife teams, No annoying little children screams, Loneliness in old age awaits me it seems, but I evade that by waking from my sweet bachelor dreams. J

Cheers 

Outer space continued......

The opposite of what they saw earlier, Malo chick, GiGantic Ass walks by. Fat-Ass is lost to the group by this time, they don’t know where the fuck he went. Commando smacks Froggy’s head calling him an idiot. There’s smoke in Skywalker’s throat like he had a chimney for a neck.

#NowPlaying, Baby when the lights go out by David Guetta.  Scene shifts as the band moves to Wamise bites in search of Fat-Ass. Dr.EF, the Muscle man is struggling for Fat-Ass’s biscuit. He dispossesses Fat-Ass who is found chilling for Indomie. “Who wants to be a millionaire” Hosted by Frank Edoho is playing on the TV. They leave Wamise and sight J sitting like an king while storyteller K sits by his side like his bodyguard. He’s probly spinning one of his bullshit tales about money, swag or other crap which is almost always a lie.

Commando intimidates Froggy 4 his drink as they walk back. Skywalker feels like he is in an army battalion heading for war even though they r just five in number. Commando intimidates Froggy’s once more. At this point, Flight seems to be achievable feat for Skywalker. Commando is still bullying Froggy.

Skywalker is like four steps back from everyone, Alien’s score on the Guevara game is 1, Skywalker 2, Commando 1, Froggy 0. Froggy threatens fire and brimstone if his name is not changed. R.A of dorm sees Skywalker and Froggy, Probly smelt it on them. Skywalker sees d look on his face. Hilarious.

David Guetta’s One love plays followed by Delirious as Froggy keeps threatening donuts and cupcakes while we head back to the room to cook Indomie. Lolzzzzz.

Skywalker is probably in hyper overdrive now…typing at speeds of 1234 miles per hour. Ok truthfully speaking though, it would have been at least 65 km per hour.
Skywalker  suggests that Froggy was faking his high after which he whispers “Estimated time of arrival at earth, 10 minutes and counting”.

Touchdown.

Cheers.

Outer space

Froggy chews the blaze instead of smoking it.  “Froggy! Do u think dis is a small white dick” screams Commando. “When you are not looking, I’m going to burn u with this cigarette”. Bulletproof by La Roux plays in the background.

Dem Aburoy boys still maintain their Aburoy mentality even in highness. Hugging the stuff like it’s the Holy Grail. Commando makes good on his promise and burns Froggy repeatedly, triggering a series of laughs. Skywalker with the coolest name of them all keeps screaming hey! cuz he had to stop Froggy from taking too much.

“Calm down Fat-Ass, it’s just Nonso not the DSA” says Commando; Fat-Ass was too fidgety like he didn’t know he would be the first to get caught if they had to run. It finally got to Skywalker’s turn; he was in slow mo for at least six seconds, felt just like he was kissing her again probly cuz he gets horny when he’s up there. 

One more time by Daft punk is next on the playlist. Skywalker found he could apply Ivan Pavlov’s conditioning theory here. One more time +Mary J = Conditioning. Since everyone was listening to One more time when high, he reasoned that  if this was repeated occasionally, a day would come when all he’d have to do is play One more time and everyone present would get high. Classical conditioning, period.

Daft punk’s Aerodynamic is on, Commando doesn’t like it. Skywalker gets really serious about Mary J passing him again. Froggy tries to discredit Skywalker’s thoughts, “I’m not saying rubbish Froggy…u re a demented fag” Skywalker says as  Froggy tries to stop Skywalker from writing it down.

Alien starts being a high slut by asking if he can light the last one even when they decide to wait for Fat-Ass. Fat-Ass was probly chatting shit at Wamise by now, one can only imagine. It reminded Skywalker of when they went to Capital land last semester.

Still on Daft punk, Around the world is next on the playlist. It is at this time Skywalker realizes that he is a Keyboard jockey when high. “As in, Fuck DJ Hitch, I’m KJ Skywalker” he murmurs to himself. Keyboard Jockeys rule. He does the Robot dance as Around the world fades out into Daft punk’s Robot Rock.

Some babes finally pass by, Skywalkerr was getting tired of the male bonding. It was getting too gay thanks to Froggy’s presence J. Froggy says that the girls are ugly and everyone knows y he said dat. FAG!. The group sights a “Small ass fresher”  according to Commando’s high gospel, who was accompanied by stupid fresher guy who thinks he’ll get lucky but will not unless he rapes the girl. This is cuz even if she does she want it, she has to have an excuse for giving it up.

By this time Skywalker is so buzzed he begins making X-ray hand signs..Even he doesn’t know what that means. Alien imposes his will on everyone by lighting the last spliff regardless of their smoky protests.

David Guetta – Love is Gone, Next on the playlist. Skywalker starts thinking that he and Alien should open a writing company…like magazine or some shit like that so people can follow their write-ups like on Twitter but for a price J. Commando thinks D’banj is the governor while talking about smoking and shitting.

Right now, It looked as though Skywalker was in a wrestling match with frontal gravity, the stuff was pushing his face backwards.

To be continued..................

I still want More!!

I don’t know why I keep doing this, I mean it’s over, c’est finis, but yet I still feel the pull. Maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s something about her but ever since he found out, we’ve been thru the whole OMG-how-did-he-know?, the whole I’m-angry-I don’t-ever-want-to-speak-to-you! phase and the It’s-awkward-but-lets-still-be-friends phase. Yet, I still want to do it again.

I mean I should be able to stay away from occupied females by now right? Considering the fact that the last 2 didn’t end well for me. I’m no Casanova but somehow I find myself in these troublesome mixes, these triangles that always include me, the babe and the babe’s guy. Why cant I just have 1 normal good time with a normal, free babe or 2? It has to be the girl that has the guy and shit just gets unnecessarily complicated because I allow it.

Sure it’s fun in the beginning, you’re happy that the guy doesn’t see you as a threat but u were with his girl last night. U get that adrenalin rush from knowing that you’re being mischievous on purpose, U shake hands with the guy while smiling in your head  at the thought of what happened last night BUT!!! it always ends messy, trust me. 

You can’t rest easy, you feign smiles when shaking the guy’s hand and saying “how far”, you have to think carefully about what you say when you three are together in one place. And to top it off, relationships are strained when things eventually get out in the open even though you think they never will.

I would like to point out that I do not seek out these situations, they find me and I stupidly succumb but it’s the lure of brief pleasure and the secrecy that gets you and one way or another I get caught eventually.

This latest one almost went through perfectly but I’m still not sure how the cat got out of the bag ( I have an idea though). The truth is that the urge to confess is a pretty primal urge, a strong one at that. Even criminals have been known to confess their evil deeds to at least one person. The problem lies in whether the person you confess to can keep a secret.

Anyways, I should have learnt my lesson but I saw her today again, and I bent my head to the side murmuring “What would happen if I went at it again? Maybe one time before graduation wouldn’t really hurt anybody if I do it right this time”. J

Cheers

Rude Girl

RiRi just knows how to bring out the perv in me....i mean look at that ....I SOoooo Would!!! men, i Sooooo would. And then i 'd punch her in the face after ....Lolzz just kidding theres no Chris in my name :). Here she is performing "Rude boy" at the Echo Awards in Germany. Be sure to check out her sexiness in the "Rude boy" video.
Cheers

GeekRant Issue #2

Today was INF test 2 as some of you who read the previous rant might be aware of. However, there was none of that “fake conversation before test” thing I was ranting about earlier. Rather, I wrote the test with the aid of a Blackberry 8900 or the Javelin as it is fondly called.

I know, I know, I was being all self righteous in the previous post but now I’m as good as one of “them” BUT!!! I fended for myself. I stayed true to my principles people. I did not stir up some fake convo just because it was test time. Back to the issue though, It wasn’t completely helpful and I’d probably end up with an 80%.

 What is the point of today’s rant you ask?, well I discovered that (I’ve known this for ages though but let’s keep going), most people are of the opinion that “the academic certificates being issued to graduates in Nigeria are no more valuable than the pieces of paper on which they are printed”. (Aisha Nuraini, Minna, Nigeria). This is due to the nation’s notoriety at examination malpractice.

So what is examination malpractice? Good question. Examination malpractice generally refers to any behavior prior to, during or after the examination that makes life easier for the cheating candidate to passJ. As a result, the validity of the examination is compromised.

According to my somewhat accurate statistics gleaned from the internet, Examination malpractice in Nigeria has now reached alarming heights and attained levels of sophistication previously unimagined. It has evolved from the normal ‘giraffing’ you were used to and comfortable with in your primary school. At the secondary level, the trend has been to make use of key points, notes and text books, writing answers on palms, copying answers onto sheets of paper and tables. (This has been comically dubbed “desktop publishing”).

Moreover, it has now assumed a mafia like structure i.e a much more advanced and organized system that involves buying questions or pre-answered papers from examination officials entrusted with the safe-keeping of the examination question paper. Also included is the arrangement for ‘special’ candidates to enroll for and write your exam for a price and a host of others such as the one I made use of todayJ.

Exam bodies aiming to break the vicious cycle of exam malpractices must first start by eradicating that corrupt mindset that characterizes many of its officials as well as the students. Most individuals involved with exam malpractices do so as a result of two variables, namely intimidation or favor. It’s usually one or the other, pick your poison.

Exam officials should update their modes of surveillance in the exam halls. I don’t mean to brag but its getting too easy to pass nowadaysJ. They themselves should equally be placed under surveillance as they are sometimes part of the problem.

Who am I kidding? I totally <3 heart <3 this system, I get to chill and still pass, lolzz! But beware though; someone said “If you can’t do the time, be smarter @ committing the crime”. Boo me later.

Cheers.